The Left Behind Children

THE LEFT BEHIND CHILDREN

by: Cristina Gutierrez

“On Feb. 9, 2006 a newborn abandoned Saturday near some mailboxes in northeast Harris County and was released Wednesday from Texas Children's Hospital, and child-welfare officials are looking for anyone who may know her identity.

Gwen Carter, spokeswoman for Harris County Child Protective Services, said the 7-pound girl appeared in good health and is being placed with a family that has been approved for adoption.” (Houston Chronicle Distributed by Knight Ridder / Tribune Business News, 2006)

            Fortunately, this baby is one of the lucky ones that after being abandon by her mother could find a loving family to adopt care and for this family this kid is a blessing. Indeed, this is not the first time that you hear the saying “Kids are a blessing”.  At some moment of our lives we start feeling that we must be parents. We feel the need to prolong our dynasty through our children. Women develop an instinct that mark the moment that “she” will be ready to be a mother. In seeking that loved child women do everything to have a baby. While infertility is one of principal reason for frustrated parenting, there are other reasons that will direct families to desperately go for In-vitro procedures and other medical resources to be able to conceive a child. In the end, this painful alternative is in some cases a solution and families are able to have a baby, but this not always the case.

After several tries, sometimes after years of waiting and frustration, parents realize that time is passing and they are wasting time, energy and money and they must do something. They can resign their dream of a baby at home and adopt several pets to be treated like children or they take their niece and nephews like their own children giving them all they want, spoiling them, in exchange of a moment of love without so much compromise and worries. Being a “substitute parent” may have some advantages like sharing the love without having to change diapers, not being awake all night when they are sick and never to be the bad of the story. In this way uncles and aunts enjoy their borrowed children and satisfy their maternal or paternal instincts.

Nevertheless, there are people that want more than being second parents; they want to be in the front line. They desire to complete their families and these ones are going to do all that is necessary to get what they want. As nature doesn’t provide them with children, they decide to adopt a child. Although this is not an easy decision as there are dozens of aspects to consider, one thing is for certain: they want a baby.

Babies can come in different colors and sizes and can be from different races. .As a result, nobody can escape the charm of a baby. They are always cute. There is a soft and warm feeling that makes us believe that we must protect the creature from anything.

As most people want a newly born boy or girl, the number of babies for adoption does not meet the demand and the principal problem arises; there are not enough babies for all the families. Babies grow up and turn into toddlers and then keep growing up to become an older child. 

More than a decade ago the National Association of Social Workers presented a document saying ,"Because there are many more married couples wanting to adopt newborn white babies than there are babies, it may almost be said that they rather than out of wedlock babies are a social problem. " (1964)

In the mean time the demand for babies continues to grow and foster houses and orphan houses are accumulating kids older than 3 years old. In spite of this, social workers try to place older children with families before it is too late and kids arrive to an age that they are not going to be adopted. Laws and circumstance make it difficult. Just because children have the same rights, parents can’t be forced to adopt an older kid or siblings.

In some States the situation is worse than in others,. On February 10, 2006,  Buffalo News  published an article saying that while 4,000 foster children in New York state are waiting for adoption, New Yorkers go abroad to adopt 23,000 babies each year. Only Erie County has 1,700 of those forgotten foster children.

In the USA, of the estimated 530,000 children who have been separated from their birth parents and placed in foster care, about 118,000 can never return to their original home. From all these children only a low percent are babies. Most of them are elder children whose only sin is to have grown up and not be babies anymore. They still need the nurturing and support that a permanent family can provide, and deserve a chance to grow up feeling secure and loved. That is where special needs adoption comes into play. It’s not so much about finding a child for a family, but instead finding the most suitable family for each waiting child.

 "Special needs" is a phrase used to classify children who, for various reasons, have a harder time finding families willing to adopt them. Often, ‘special needs’ includes factors such as age, background, physical, mental, or emotional challenges. Typically, children who have special needs have been separated from their birth families, live in foster care, are school-aged, and sometimes may have physical or mental disabilities.

However, families can be informed, supporting groups can be created, and telling of kids can be heard, what they think and what they need. Love can make a great change to these children’s lives and they are going to be as happy as parents that receive them and make them part of their families. If all these conditions are given all these children must not be waiting so long to be adopted.

From wishing to be an adoptive parent to actually becoming one there’s a long way to traverse. Time passes not only for the kids but for the parents too. They don’t want to realize that they are getting older as well. Prospective parents must understand that our biological age is as important as the child’s age. Each of us has a time for being a baby’s parents, but if nature wouldn’t provide you with a baby after some age, the desperation makes people wish not to skip a stage without realizing that they are the age of being elder children’s parents.

One way to change the actual problematic is to realize that children are the future of the world and this is of everybody’s concern. Governments, national or international are not doing enough to provide a family for those kids. The adoption laws are not elastic enough to facilitate finding a family for those children as soon as possible, but the real problem resides in the fear of parents not being able to handle all the problems that come with an older child.

In addition, when considering adoption, many people assume "the younger the better" and overlook the advantages of older child’s adoption (in the world of adoption, an "older child" is generally considered to be age two or over at the time of adoption). There are several myths surrounding the adoption of older kids, like “they are not going to adapt to the new family”, “they are going to wish to return to their families”, “They are going to escape and return to their biologic families as soon as they turn 18”, “if you adopt a grown up child from another country the language will be an obstacle”, or             “Older children come to you with a history”. We know that adjustments must be made but the real concern about these “left behind children” is that their time is passing. Prospective parents can change that. Nobody can say it will be easy, but this not impossible. Love can make the change. Older kids deserve the same opportunities as any child and they can make parents as happy and proud as any kid.

Perhaps some of these myths are true, so let’s analyze each factor starting with the opinion of Abraham Maslow, a psychotherapist who studied human nature. He came to the conclusion that humans have a hierarchy of needs. He said, “With many years of experience in the field of human services to guide me, I started fostering teenage boys 10 years ago as a single foster dad. Later, my lovely wife, Diane, joined me in this ministry, bringing with her an 11-year-old daughter. Six months later we fostered a 10½-month-old boy who a year later became our legal adopted son. We have learned much in this joint venture. It has not been without pain and tears, but we see the rewards of the emotional energy we have invested in children who have been a part of our family, if only briefly”.

For this reason Maslow would tell us to help each child at the level of his or her need from day one. This process works to build the trust cycle; it will be slow in developing, but there’s no more to be done.

In his lecture at the National Foster Parent Association conference in Des Moines last spring, he facilitated a panel of several former and one current foster teens willing to share their insights growing up in "the care of the state." All of these brave souls volunteered to make themselves vulnerable to the questions asked by the audience. The audience was especially eager to hear what had best helped them work toward a successful adulthood. Their answers were resoundingly uniform - genuine caring shown by at least one concerned individual who was willing to stick with them through the thick and thin as they negotiated life's blows and the deep wounded-ness of their hearts and souls. In the moments of greatest difficulty, with a child in care, it is well worth remembering. (April, 2005)

While providing consistent support is often easier said than done, hurting kids are experts at pushing buttons and pushing us away. The reward, however, for those who found a haven in one caring adult was life-altering”. (Kim Combes, 2005.)

Though not all testimonies are positive, there are some more cautious and some others who have had bad experiences. Either way the sort of experience everybody has to expect is that the child is not going to accept you immediately, no matter the age of the child or where he came from. There’s an adaptation period that parents and children have to go through. Babies, toddlers or older children have to pass through it. Some of them will be inserted and adapted in only 3 months, others in 6 and there are others that will take years to accept the new family. Some adults realize late that have had a mistake and they were not ready to be parents, so this is not only the children that have to be adapted, but the parents too.

On the other hand, Marjorie Hershey suggests some reasons NOT to adopt an older child. She expresses clearly her belief that it's not the best idea to consider an older child out of a desire to "save" a needy little person. She is sure all of us are altruistic to at least some extent, but she thinks it's just human that if we intend to "save" someone, we will eventually expect him or her to be grateful for having been "saved."  I agree with her thinking that kids, understandably enough, tend not to think of themselves as needing "saving.” Kids at age of eleven have friends and go to school if the orphanage was well-run, and although they have no possessions or expectations about future schooling or a career, it just isn't a big deal for them. They are happy where they are while they have their basic needs covered. She says, “Another caution is that it's best not to adopt an older child in order to avoid the hassles of infancy and toddler hood, or to have a child who's already in school. As you know from raising other children, kids don't get easier to raise as they get older; they just get different. The challenges change. Older children, as you know, come with "issues." They have already-formed personalities”. (2006)

In addition, there are cultural differences as well. These are all trivia, of course, but they involve a level of adjustment to a new member of the household that's quite different from your adjustment to a baby. My sense is that being a parent, for a child of any age, is very much like being a sheepdog; kids come with very well-ingrained tendencies toward certain personality types and behavior, and the best we can do is to try to help them direct those basic tendencies in constructive rather than destructive ways, but you definitely have more of a head start with a baby than with an older child.

            For years, would-be adoptive parents have traded anecdotes about the tortuous

process of adopting a foster child in New York. So when Catherine Smith chose to brave

the system in 2003 - just as the state was carrying out a court-ordered reform - she did not expect overnight improvements. However, she also did not anticipate how tangled the system would remain. Two years after New York embarked on an ambitious plan to improve its troubled child welfare system, the state is still failing to provide the most basic services. (New York Times, New York, 2005)

Another concern is that families are afraid the government will remove the children from their houses when they arrived to love them. "The system is not functioning properly," said Richard D'Amico, attorney at Daytona area . "The business of moving children around has got to stop. Our belief is if you place a child with someone, you keep them there unless there is a strong reason to remove them." Since this case started, laws have been changed limiting Department of Children & Families’ power to remove a child from someone who is seeking to adopt if the child has been in the home for six months or more.

As a result of my own experience, I can provide certain advice. Don't develop too many expectations. Be guided by your child. Each of these little people has special talents and interests. Some, even many of them may be unknown to her or him and to you at first, but one day they will be show through. When you meet your "older" child, expose her to lots of opportunities. Let her try swinging a bat and doing gymnastics and playing piano. See which ones she enjoys most, and which you think she might be good at. Then find the best coaches and teachers you can to help her develop those skills. Upper-elementary and middle-school kids, especially, face such social pressures that they need a "place to be" -- a group to hang with, so to speak. If they can join into a gymnastics team or a school orchestra or choir as a reasonably competent member, they get some social "protection" that will help in their adjustment.

We must hear the kids too, as they had a lot to say …

…Most of us are 8 years old and older. Many of us have brothers and sisters and we need families who can keep us together. We have lost so much in our short lives … What we really, really need the most is a grownup (or two) of our own who will teach us stuff and stick up for us and stick around and be our family!   --from "Who Are the Children?", (The Collaboration to AdoptUsKids.)

As a matter of fact, nobody must be scare of being unable to handle all the situations. As someone who has had both, I can tell you, our biological children would give you the same hard times as adoptive kids. Children don’t come to life with instructions. Every child is different and unique. There’s no secret recipe to be a good father. No matter what you do, each child will develop his or her own personality. They will be different from the others and will continue to develop from where they are to be toddlers, school age and teenager. Parents must do their best. May be added “for the most part” that there’s no right or wrong things, only what we think is correct. Remember two things:  1) Love is not exclusive; each of us can love as many people as we can know. There are different degrees and qualities of love but there is no limit and the more people we love, the greater our capacity; 2) It’s important that your adopted child loved those who cared for him before you; if he loved them, then you know he has the ability to love you.

On the other side, there are some advantages of older child adoption. We must keep in mind that when we adopt, we have choices:

• International adoption or domestic.
• Agency or private adoption.
• Boy or girl.
• Newborn or older child.

Parents of biological children have none of these choices.

However, there are advantages of adopting an older child that should be contemplated as you consider your adoption options.

In older child adoption:

• You can learn more about an older child as far as their abilities, interests, and personalities than you can with a baby.
• You have more history (childhood illnesses, developmental milestones, skills, talents) that can be evaluated by specialists and doctors before you accept a referral.
• You can match (to a degree) your interests and personality with your child-to-be.
• Certain disorders, such as Fetal Alcohol Syndrome (FAS) and Fetal Alcohol Effect (FAE) cannot be diagnosed in babies, only in older children.
• Older children can be less demanding than a baby. Depending on their age, an older child can do things by themselves regarding dressing, bathing, eating, chores, and playing on their own.
• Older children can interact and play with you. You can DO things right from the beginning with your child: take hikes, plant bulbs, bake cookies, roller blade.
• With an older child, you are given an extraordinary window into their past lives. They may have special memories of grandparents, or favorite foods and games from their country of birth. You can help them retain and synthesize their memories of their past lives. Their past provides an extra peek inside the emotions and personality of your child.

Listening to different experiences and testimonies we will be able to choose the best option:

Susan M. Ward from North Carolina express clearly that there are, of course, disadvantages to older child adoption, just as there are disadvantages and advantages to adopting babies. No matter what age you adopt, it's a bit like most of life - lots of wonderful moments mixed in with enough challenges to make sure we appreciate the good times!  (2005)

In fact, I don't know if any of this is very helpful, because each of these folks is unique, says Marjorie Hershey who adopt a child from Vietnam. To her, it's like growing a plant from a seed. If it starts out as a pea, you aren't going to be able to make it into an azalea. But if you pay good attention to its care and feeding, and listen carefully to what it's telling you, you can provide the conditions for it to become a really wonderful pea. “The key is to listen; children give us guidance that's at least as valuable as the guidance we give them!”  (2006)

As a final consideration, I want to tell my own story. I adopted my three daughters when they were 8, 10 and 12. I traveled ten thousand miles to bring them from Russia to Argentina. They changed my life. They have fulfilled every inch of loneliness and full every moment. We are a family, accepted by my biological son and integrated as if we were living altogether for the whole time. They have proved me that they consider me their mother, and I feel as loved by them as I do from my biological son.  I encourage parents to adopt older children and give them opportunity of a second chance in their life. Giving them love, security and care will help them to be good people and forget and forgive for all the pain the life has given to them without any reason.

            If you feel in your heart that you need a child to complete your family and you didn’t yet decided what is the better age for you to adopt, I suggest you to search the web pages and look at pictures of the “AdoptUSKids” or the Department of Health and Families and watch the faces  of the waiting children. Let your heart speak for you. You will know which is your child as soon as you look at his or eyes. 

For domestic adoption you can visit :

Featured Siblings

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Sharlesha, 10, and Shyla, 4, of Arizona are a loving pair of sisters. They love jumping on the trampoline and swimming, and want a family who will be active with them and offer positive, nurturing support. http://www.adoptuskids.org/

For inter-country adoption you have hundreds of agencies in the web


For spanish speaking families:
http://www.angelfaces-adopcion-internacional.org

 References

GUZMÁN, MONICA (2006) Paper: Houston Chronicle
Date: Sun 02/05/2006 Section: B Page: 3 Edition: 4 STAR

Title: “Abandoned newborn girl found near apartments”

Houston Chronicle Distributed by Knight Ridder. Tribune Business News, 2006 http://www.chron.com/CDA/archives/archive.mpl?id=2006_4056113

Social Work and  Social Problems (1964), published by the National Association of Soci

al  Workers (Out-of-print) copyright

I.       Karen Wilson Buterbaugh, Moxie Magazine, April 6, 2001 Domestic Infant Adoption: Setting the  Record  Straight

II.     http://www.adoptioncrossroads.org/STRS.html

III.    

IV.  Foster Care and Adoption in the United States The children’s Bureau, adoptUSkids

V.    http://www.adoptuskids.org/servlet/page?_pageid=407&_dad=portal30&_schema=PORTAL30

VI.   

A.   Photos in search of families

Article 1 Published on February 10, 2006 ,Buffalo News

http://news.adoption.com/index.php?view_page=1

Kim Combes, LBSW, M.Ed. (April, 2005) National Foster Parent Association